My wife is sleeping with a 25-year-old.

And I found about it after my visit to the doctor’s office.

But before I report my wife to the local parish priest, I will violate my non-disclosure agreement and share with you a little secret. I have reached an age where — despite my boyishly good looks — I can no longer pass myself off as a millennial: I get motion sickness when I watch Nicki Minaj gyrate in the Anaconda music video, I am reluctant to twerk for fear that I might have to go to the chiropractor right after, and I was disheartened to find out that the when a Karaoke playlist has A Thousand Years, it’s a song from some movie called Twilight and not the song by Sting.

Moreover, ever since my ex-girlfriend and I were domestically incarcerated and spawned two frightfully adorable children, I haven’t had much time to exercise. Prior to incarceration, I used to practice a progressive system of yoga postures called Ashtanga yoga that involved heavy breathing, intense twisting, profuse sweating and wearing only running shorts (these shorts are more colloquially known as a female body part that is not mentioned if you know the CBCP might be reading this column) at least three times a week. But, post-incarceration and spawning, I am lucky to get into the starting plank position in Ashtanga yoga before my two-year-old son clambers onto my back and turns me into his personal trampoline.

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Unfortunately, nowadays I find that my most intense workouts have been progressive Facebook posting.

So to check if I was still in shape (or, at least, a shape), my wife urged me to take a Body Composition Analysis (BCA) test at the LifeScience clinic in Bonifacio Global City. She was concerned that, despite my ovo-lacto vegetarian diet (where I consume milk, tofu, eggs, grass and the occasional pebble), my intensely sedate Facebook lifestyle would reveal that I am now composed mostly of volatile gases from kamote, phyto-estrogens from tofu and atrophying pink parts.

The LifeScience medical consultant had me disrobe almost completely (but allowed my tasteless parts to stay undercover) and asked me to stand atop the intimidatingly named MC980 Multi-Frequency Segmental Body Composition Analyzer, which resembled a computerized weighing scale that had been pimped up by Tony Stark.

The machine was going to conduct a Bioelectric Impendence Analysis (BIA) to get an accurate measurement of my weight, an estimation of my body mass index, total body fat percentage, total body water percentage, muscle mass range, physique rating, bone mass, visceral fat rating, basal metabolic rate, metabolic age, credit card balance, Facebook status and then take a selfie. Once I was on top of the scale, they handed me two metal rods that were attached by a set of wires to the analyzer.

“Where am I supposed to stick these?” I said, while poking the rods against my upper body.

“Um, sir, you are supposed to hold a rod in each hand,” he replied.

“Oh.”

According to the consultant, the rods would send a frequency throughout my entire body (although I wasn’t sure if the frequency was AM or FM) to make the measurement. The thought of these frequencies traveling through my insides excited me, not because I thought it would be pleasurable, but because this might be the origin of my superhero story. Admittedly, I didn’t feel anything bioelectric coursing through my body, although I suspect a pubic hair or two stood at attention.

“Will the test reveal if I am a mutant? A Kryptonian? A muppet?” I asked.

“No, sir, but the test can be used to screen certain adult diseases and conditions related to body weight and composition,” he answered. “For example, it can monitor and prevent conditions caused by excessive deposits of fat tissue such as diabetes and fatty liver. It’s also used to assess the effectiveness of a person’s nutrition and exercise programs.”

“So it can’t even tell if I’m a Jedi?”

But even if I didn’t develop superpowers after being exposed to bioelectric impendence rays, it turned out that the test was more revealing than a Senate committee hearing.

RJ LEDESMA: So, doc, what am I composed of? Nothing hazardous, I hope.

LIFESCIENCE DOCTOR: Based on your results, everything appears to be normal.

Are you sure? My wife would tend to disagree.

Well, your weight is desirable.

That’s not the only thing my wife finds desirable about me.

Let’s first talk about your fat.

Ah, the favorite Pinoy conversation starter.

In particular, let’s look at your fat mass — which is the weight of your fat in your body and the fat percentage — which is the proportion of fat to the total body weight.

Fatay.

Don’t worry, sir. Fat isn’t always bad. It is essential for maintaining your body temperature, cushioning your joints and protecting your internal organs. But yes, too much fat can also damage your health. When you reduce excess levels of body fat, it has been shown to reduce the risk of certain conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, Type 2 diabetes and cancer. Pero too little body fat may lead to infertility and irregular period in women.

Well, everything seems to be regular for me as far as I’m concerned.

Actually, your fat mass and fat content percentage are right in the middle of the desired range. Even your fat content percentage is very good. They are right within your desired range.

Wow, nobody’s complimented me on the desirability of my fats before. I guess I’m fat where it counts.

But we also need to look at your visceral fat. This is the fat located deep in the abdominal area surrounding and protecting the vital organs. These aren’t the ones in your subcutaneous region.

I didn’t realize I had cute fats. Those must be my love handles.

This fat is harder to remove because it is internal. Your visceral fat rating is less than 10, but you are on the brink of going above what is normal. So your visceral fat can still be further improved.

Can I just convince my visceral fat to move to other parts of my body where they will look more aesthetically pleasing?

Now your body mass index (BMI) is used as a general indicator of your health. The BMI is calculated by dividing your weight in kilograms by the square of your height in meters.

I will pretend I understood what that meant.

Anywhere between 18.5 to 24.9 is normal weight. But if you fall within 25 to 29.9, that’s overweight. And above that, you’re obese. Your BMI is 23.5, which falls under the upper limit of normal weight.

So my body mass is normal? Great, so now I have a fighting change to wrestle away John Lloyd’s Century Tuna endorsement.

The next measurement is the Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), which is the daily minimum number of calories your body needs when it is at total rest. If you increase your muscle mass, you speed up your metabolic rate. A person with a high BMR can burn more calories at rest than a person with a low BMR.

(DOM representative: Is it the same things if you feel a burning sensation in your genitals?)

Your BMR is high burn — which means that your body is highly efficient at burning calories. In other words, you burn more calories than the average Juan with the same BMR who has a different body composition. Most likely, you will be the envy of people because you can eat a lot more than them.

My wife says nga I’m voracious.

In relation to your BMR is your metabolic age. The metabolic age compares your basal metabolic rate to other age groups. If the age indicated is higher than your actual age, then you need to increase your exercise levels. When you build muscle, you burn more calories, even when you are resting.

So if I misunderstand you correctly, then if I rest more, I can burn even more calories? Yes!!!

And — surprise, surprise — your metabolic age is 25! You are a 25-year-old living in a 40-year-old body. Being a vegetarian and practicing yoga must have helped out in this regard.

I’m 25 metabolically speaking!? No wonder my wife’s had a perennial grin ever since we got married. And I was always under the impression that it was a six-year long involuntary muscle spasm.

(Dirty Old Man representative: Whom do I have to pay off to get a metabolic age as young as that?)

Let’s look naman at your physique rating.

That’s great, I rate myself very highly on my physique. Sometimes I take a selfie of my physique and share it with all three of my female readers so that they can rate me as well.

Physique rating assesses the muscle and body fat rating into nine body types. As your level of activity changes over the time, the balance of your body fat and muscle will gradually alter which will eventually change your overall physique. In terms of your body type, you should consider yourself healthy and solidly built.

Kaya pala type na type ako ng asawa ko.

Lets’ move on to the segmental body analysis. We’ll look at the muscle mass distribution in your trunk, leg and arm and see if you have low, healthy or high muscle tone. The muscle mass in your upper arms and trunk are just fine.

My trunk is fine? Hell, yeah! I am Groot!

But you could you could use some improvement on your legs by doing anything that will stimulate your leg muscles — running or hiking as a start.

Sigh, if only I could type with my toes.

Similarly, your fat distribution in your trunks, legs and arm are average.

I am glad that I’m not an overachiever in this regard.

Let’s compare your muscle mass distribution on the left and right side of you body. You seem to have a preferential leaning on your right arm.

That’s a shameful remnant of my heathen bachelorhood. Please don’t tell my wife about those results.

But your leg muscle score is relatively good all over. Your leg muscles are equally balanced.

Ah, thank goodness. My legs are not tattle-tales.

Overall, Mr. Ledesma, your results are pretty okay for someone of your age. But now that you are aware of your results, you know exactly what you should do, right?

Of course I do! I should stop any form of exercise at once. Except maybe for Facebook.

What!? Why?

If I continue to exercise vigorously, my wife might be arrested for sleeping with a minor.

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