There is nothing quite like being shot up with several hundred volts of electricity to find out what is wrong with you (RJ’s wife: You don’t need to shoot him up with electricity to see that there is something wrong with him. Still, it’s fun to watch).

So I took a Digital Meridian System (DMS) diagnostic exam after a particularly lousy weekend that tested my stress levels, my sanity and the efficacy of my hair-loss prevention treatments. The DMS is an automated system of Traditional Chinese Medicine wherein “meridian” sensors (“paths” through which life energy or “chi” flow) are hooked up to accupoints in your hands, legs and other body parts that are permitted by the Geneva Convention to measure and process the meridian energy values that they release.

The DMS profiles, analyzes and matches the meridian energy values against millions of clinical cases to crunch out a report that provides an overview of your total meridians, chi energy levels, mental state, metabolism, tendon and bone, chi and blood, the autonomic nervous system, the yin and yang of the internal organs, meridian values and other things about your pink parts that you never even knew about. It can even assist you in identifying the root cause of disease and potential illnesses due to the imbalance of the meridian chi energy and organ functions. And, if you are nice enough, the DMS will even make you a nice pot of green tea.

As I entered the clinic, I was worried that the DMS would confirm my suspicions that I was a 150-pound stress-filled ball of coagulated fats, LDL cholesterol, food preservatives and me-thane. I warned the doctor to hide all the highly combustible material, but I was unsure if he heard me as he had me gagged and strapped into the diagnostic chair. As part of the prelimi-nary screening procedure, the doctor checked my pulse, stuck me with several hundred acupuncture needles and then gave me a thorough body cavity search. (No, just kidding. He didn’t check my pulse.)

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Doc, why are you dabbing the end of that sensor with water? Wouldn’t a lubricant be better?

DMS DOCTOR: We need water or rubbing alcohol to conduct electricity. It’s just basic physics. Don’t worry, the sensors will not be attached to any of your body parts that will stimulate you inappropriately.

And that’s a good thing? So the DMS is sending an electrical pulse through my system?

No, it is actually your system that is giving out that pulse. What the detector does is capture the electrical pulse that comes from you. First, we start with the hands the palm area, followed by the dorsum (the back of the hands), then the feet. We always start with the right side of the body moving to the left. Hmmm, you diagnostic says your energy is low.

What does that mean, doc? Do I need to plug my fingers into a socket?

Your mental state is low as well which means you are mentally drained. Since your energy and mental state is low, your thyroid gland index is high, it means that you lack a certain hor-mone (for the thyroid to be) more productive.

I may need the help with Lance Armstrong with those hormones.

You are overly exhausted or you just need more rest.

That’s what I tell my wife but she just can’t get enough of me.

(RJ’s wife: Do you have a needle I can skewer between his lips?)

In terms of metabolism, your body and blood index are balanced. Organically, your anatomy is fine.

That’s what she tells me about my anatomy as well.

(RJ’s wife: Can I have two needles?)

You have no physical ailment, but your thyroid functions are low because you’re consuming too much of your energy, thinking or planning. That’s why your mental state is very, very low.

(RJ’s wife: I don’t think you need a machine to tell us about your low mental state.)

Based on your five elements (the five elements in TCM are aspects of chi including wood, fire, earth, metal and water) and blood analysis and your yin and yang analysis, you’re still in the “normal” zone.

I always thought that I was above normal. Like paranormal.

But compared to the other “elements” you have “too much” wood. That’s why you are always moving about.

Having too much wood could be a positive thing too in a marriage, don’t you think doc?

(RJ’s wife: Stop before I make your mental state deteriorate permanently.)

You’ve got a strong cardio-pulmonary function, but you have also have a temporary heart meridian imbalance. Either you were very angry a few days ago. Or you’re just so much in love.

(RJ’s wife: Angry.)

It’s love naman, pangga!

I think it’s more of insufficient rest.

Can you let the DMS speak for itself, please?

How frequent are your bowels?

Excuse me, you don’t get to ask me that question unless you are my yaya. Well, I go once or twice a day, sometimes. My wife says I’m full of it.

Your DMS says that your intestine meridian is either too deficient or too high. The wave pattern is going down so it’s probably an emotional thing.

My intestines have emotions?

Well, the psycho-emotion that is connected to the lungs and intestines is actually grieving, so depression is also part of that.

So that’s why I’ve been having tear-shaped poop.

The intestines are holding on to something that you should have released long time ago.

Maybe I should get another colonic irrigation.

Or maybe you forgot to delegate.

Delegate my bowel movements?

The “mental” aspect of the large intestine is that you have to let go of something. Either you let go of too much responsibility or learn to delegate.

Baka ma-LBM ako nyan.

You’re very emotional with that wave pattern. Highly irritable.

I find I usually get irritable when I can’t poop.

Now, let’s measure your digestive function with the spleen. The spleen’s connection with Chinese medicine is more of the pancreas when it comes to Western Medicine. Hmm, your liver is very, very ecstatic.

My liver is ecstatic and my intestines are sad!? What is this, my organs are bi-polar?

The liver houses the psycho-emotion of irritability or anger. If you’re under a lot of stress, then your liver meridian will be hyperactive. If you’re a manager who is involved in a lot of plan-ning, that consumes a lot of chi from the spleen and liver. That’s because the liver is like the general that plans everything.

Can’t I delegate the planning function to another part of my anatomy?

Based on the wave pattern, I’m making a presumption that you have frequent stomach upset. Have your stomach upsets been less than three months old?

Oh no… am I pregnant?

It’s in the wave pattern. It’s emotional. But since your spleen and liver are hyperactive, the (upset stomach) could be work-related. It could be a chronic condition, but I don’t think so be-cause your kidney pattern is still high.

Maybe that’s because I pee 73 times a day?

The kidney houses fear.

Wait, does that mean I have a lot of fear or that I have no fear?

No fear. The opposite of fear is will power. Your urinary bladder, that’s your will power. You have a lot of will power.

So I am a potential candidate for a Green Lantern! I knew my ability to urinate every 15 minutes was a superpower.

Your bladder meridian indicates that you are highly decisive.

I know when I want to pee.

But you consume too much of your will power because of the kidney and the urinary bladder. The DMS also indicates that you are eating too fast as well.

I’m a busy guy, I run eight jobs a day! If I could get my yaya to regurgitate my food, I would!

All the results indicate that you are over stressed. You need rest and recreation.

But the DOMs have threatened to cut off my allowance if I take a break from writing this column!

Generally, you have to do mind and body exercises regularly to relax yourself, like yoga. Then you must eat regularly, and with rhythm.

Eat with rhythm? I need to bring a metronome to the dinner table?

When you say you “eat with rhythm and balance,” I mean that you eat at the same hour every day.

Thanks, I thought I’d have to do the Harlem Shake while eating.

The DMS report includes acupressure points that you can tell your massage therapist to press for “vigorous fire” in the heart and liver — if you are angry or stressed out.

Are these aside from the acupressure points that can only be accessed by my wife?

The report tells you the direction of the massage. In your particular case, the direction for (your massage) should be always (strokes going) downward, not upward.

Why, what happens if I’m stroked the wrong way? Will I spontaneously combust?

Now if you have stomach upsets, this is Zusanli.

Who is she? A Chinese adult film star?

Zusanli (English translation: Leg Three Miles) or Stomach 36 is an acupressure point that it located about three fingers below the kneecap. You have to press that.

(My wife presses down on Zusanli)

Wow, that feels good. Are you sure that’s not a new erogenous zone?

This is also used to take away epilepsy and convulsions. When you are feeling stressed, the massage should be from your scapula border, the area between the spine and the scapula, going downwards. Then, for your chest, the massage should be from the side going to the midline. The massage goes down to the belly then to the sides to release the stress. These are emotional points. If you can’t do anything, you may have somebody puncture it for you as well.

That’s not the happy ending that I was shooting for, Doc.

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