Princess, can feng shui make you more ‘gwapo’?

Hahahahahaahahahaha! NO.

As we begin the Year of the Wooden Sheep tomorrow, I asked feng shui consultant Princess Lim Fernandez of the Yin and Yang Shop of Harmony at New World Hotel to share with the Philippine STAR whose love lives will be lucky and whose love lives will be in goat poop this Chinese New Year.

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PHILIPPINE STAR: Princess, some people are slightly apprehensive about how feng shui works. Does it have anything to do with mysticism or New Age beliefs or Kris Aquino?

PRINCESS LIM FERNANDEZ: Feng Shui is a science and an art. Why is it a science? It studies the placement of energies, which are translated into computations. That’s why a lot of computations are involved in feng shui. It’s knowing how to properly position your entire environment so that it gives you an “edge.” That’s one of the aspects of feng shui, which has been around for 5,000 years.

(Dirty Old Man [DOM] representative: Yes, I remember those years. My diaper was still made out of snakeskin.)

It’s also an art because you make (feng shui) specific to the person. What works for one person might not necessarily work for the next person. And with all the hype about feng shui right now, there are things that get lost in translation and exaggerated.

And then turned into blockbuster movies.

But at the end of the day, I ask people, “Does it make sense?”

(DOM representative: I also like to ask myself, “Will it get me arrested?”)

If it doesn’t (make common sense), then question the feng shui. There are charts that affect everybody (like the Nine Star chart of the year). It will work to a certain degree, but to really make it work for you — for example, the feng shui in your house — I have to match your specific (birth) chart to your house (RJ’s note: The birth chart has the year, day, month and even the exact time of your birth). There’s a misconception that it is enough to know your (Chinese zodiac sign based on the year you were born) to know your feng shui — like if you are a goat or a horse.

(DOM representative: It doesn’t seem to matter what my Chinese zodiac sign is, women automatically assume that I’m a pig.)

That is a (general) chart reading. But chart reading goes hand in hand (with your birth chart). Do you know what aspect in your birth chart is particularly strong for the year? Do you know what is weak? That’s where feng shui comes in. We know (based on your birth chart) that you will have a health issue this year, so let’s look at where the health issue is coming from. Forewarned is forearmed.

(DOM representative: How about foreplay?)

Do you know why we have a Nine Star chart? The chart comprises the eight planets and the sun. From a scientific perspective, all of us are affected by the magnetic pull of energies (of the planets). So these stars will affect those of us living on earth to a certain extent. The biggest star (or planet) is Jupiter, which we call “Tay Suey.” For this coming year of the Wooden Sheep—

(DOM representative: Just what part of the sheep is wooden?)

The Tay Suey approaches from 210 degrees Southwest. That’s why it’s that direction that is affected for this year. Similarly, all the other stars have their corresponding positions.

(DOM representative: Do you want to know my favorite corresponding position?)

I thought you didn’t want to get arrested. Princess, during the year of the Wooden Sheep, whose zodiac sign will be a “happily in love” animal and whose sign will be kaldereta?

This is a “partly blind” year. That’s why I tell everyone in general — single or in a relationship or about to get married—

(DOM representative: How about for those of us about to go to a KTV?)

Please get to know your partner really, really well.

That’s why my wife made sure to conduct a credit investigation, drug test and a body cavity search on me before we got married.

Why is it a blind year? Because (Chinese) Spring started on Feb. 4 but Chinese New Year is on Feb. 19. When it is a blind year, there is some element of illusion. It could be that you’re engaged to someone and think that he is a certain way. But after you get married, it’s “Uh-oh” (I didn’t know he was like that)!

I’m glad that my wife was blinded by my kagwapuhan.

Those who have good luck in love this year are the Rat, Monkey and Tiger. Especially the Tiger who has a happy star. That’s a cause for celebration!

That’s great news! I’m a tiger. That’s how my wife describes me as well.

(RJ’s wife: Please stop falsely attributing anything to me in this interview or I will turn you into tiger balm.)

The ones that are not so lucky in love this year are the Ox, Sheep, Dog and the Dragon. For those signs that are not that lucky this year, then try to be more patient, don’t be so sensitive and pay more attention to your health. If you already are in a relationship, then please communicate to avoid misunderstanding.

What application should I use to communicate? Viber? Whatsapp? Facebook Messenger?

This year, the “conflict” star is in the center. Conflict can also mean “gossip.” So don’t believe what you hear all the time. Sometimes, somebody will say that they saw your partner with somebody else. But maybe they were just having a meeting.

Do not believe anyone unless they show up in a Senate hearing. Can feng shui help you find your one true love?

Yes! Again, you have to look at your birth chart. Your birthday already unlocks a lot of secrets.

(DOM representative: My birthday suit unlocks a lot of secrets as well.)

There are some guys who have had so many girlfriends because they have strong romance stars.

(No Girlfriend Since Birth [NGSB] representative: Can I wish upon that star?)

There are some people who have never had relationships. Why? If you look at their (birth) chart, their husband or their wife star is “weak” or it’s just not there. Since it’s not part of their chart, that’s where timing comes in. For example, their husband (or wife) star comes from wood but they don’t have wood in their chart. Technically, it will be very difficult for them to find a partner or a husband.

(DOM representative: Buti nalang I have wood all the time.)

But when the current year comes in and it has wood, then they should grab the change. Wala nang pakipot-kipot! In real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. In feng shui, it’s all about timing, timing, timing! Otherwise, their “ship will have sailed.”

Naku, does that mean people who are having relationship (or no relationship) issues should have their feng shui consultant’s cellphone on speed dial so that they will know their “timing”?

Not really. Because I also tell people, “Trust your instinct.”

(RJ’s wife: Then why didn’t I run away screaming from RJ when I first met him?)

All of us have that “gut feel.” However, in today’s age, we are too distracted by our gadgets so we don’t hear our inner voice.

(NGSB representative: But without my gadgets, how will I know her Facebook status, her pictures on Instagram, her latest Twitter post!?)

I’ve had a client who was in a relationship for five years, but she couldn’t get her partner to commit. So I told her to put his picture in one of the pomegranate chums, and her picture in the other pomegranate chum (RJ’s note: A pomegranate chum is a feng shui “luck” item with twin pomegranates symbolizing binding relationships). Three months later, she called me up and told me he proposed!

(DOM representative: How many pomegranate chums do you have in stock? I need to spread out my luck before my pacemaker gives up on me.)

What can you do in your house to make yourself more open to romance?

(DOM representative: Yes, what else should I add to my living room aside from the life-sized poster of myself?)

Everybody has a particular romance direction based on their birthday. Find out what that particular romance direction is for you and that’s where you put a fresh, colorful flower arrangement. Make sure the flower arrangement has no white flowers, no thorns and, most importantly, makes you happy! It will attract the right romance opportunities in your life. But don’t put fake flowers, ha? That might bring fake romance!

(NGSB representative: No wonder all the women I’ve had a relationship were virtual, inflatable or detachable.)

If your readers want to find out the general romance direction for the year of the Wooden Goat, it’s east and southwest. If you (want to know what direction that is inside your home), turn on the compass application on your smartphone, stand in the middle of your bedroom, and turn your cellphone around to find the east and southwest directions.

(DOM representative: Great news! Southwest is where my wooden goat faces.)

Can feng shui make you more attractive to other people?

(DOM representative: The gold blings dangling from my exposed hairy chest don’t seem to be doing their job.)

Some people have birth charts that aren’t really “charismatic.” We can’t change our charts, but we can minimize their effect. We have a “charisma jade” that will increase their “amour.”

(NGSB representative: What part of your body is the “amour”?)

The jade will not necessarily increase their attractiveness, but more of their “congeniality.” When they talk to people, there will be more “harmony” that will consequently affect their attractiveness.

(DOM representative: Can I be encased in jade?)

We can encase you in amber and leave you there for a few million years. Princess, what is it about jade that makes someone “attractive”?

It’s an old stone. The energy of the jade is already for protection. Whatever symbol or animal is carved onto the jade is linked to the purpose or the meaning of the jade.

When you surround yourself with positive energy, then you become more attractive, not just for love, but also for business or friends. People in general will want to deal with you more.

I’m jaded. And the question of most consequence: Can feng shui make you more gwapo?

Hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! NO.

(DOM: Um… Can you help me remove the jade that I superglued to my face? And assorted pink parts as well?)

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