Before the next Pope is installed, I thought it time to officially announce that my next book, Playing with Pink Parts: RJ Ledesma’s guide to Gayumas, Aphrodisiacs and Love Spells, has been approved for publishing by Anvil Books despite their better judgment!

And I’m even more tickled pink that my fellow Philippine STAR columnist, multiple Palanca awardee (and a panelist during my Silliman University National Writers Workshop many, many hairstyles ago) Butch Dalisay will be penning the foreword!

Allow me, my three female readers, to share excerpts from the book: Gayumas from a certified potion maker, aphrodisiacs from a certified urologist, and love spells from a certified magician. (Yes, they are all certifiable.)

Gayumattack

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RJ LEDESMA: Is it difficult to make a gayuma? Do I need some measuring cups? Some betsin (MSG)? Some pre-selected bodily fluid?

…Or this (Viagra).
POTION MAKER: Making a gayuma is just like cooking. It’s not like sinigang where you just throw all the ingredients into the mix. There is a system. First is the mineral, which is the base of the gayuma, then the plant, and then finally the animal.

This was not how they taught me about food groups in grade school.

Each of these ingredients must be apportioned properly. Sometimes a gayuma requires one part mineral to three parts plant to three parts animal and then one part bodily fluid.

And hopefully it’s a bodily fluid that will not require an act of contrition. Are there any exotic ingredients required for a gayuma? Like Himalaya herbs? Or eye of newt? Or even exotic bodily fluids?

There are some people who read foreign books on love potions that require ingredients like dragon’s blood or dove’s ink. But, based on my research, these plants with exotic names also have scientific names and classifications and if you check them carefully, you will find out that they are also available in the country. We also have alternatives to these ingredients — if we can find the closest related group of plants and animals, we can use that as well.

So for the dragon’s blood, I guess we just drain the blood of a kotong cop. For the benefit of future Harry Potters and soon-to-be felons, run me through the creation of a typical gayuma.

There is always a base ingredient — which is the mineral. The mineral is the “battery” of the potion. Let’s say you want to “arouse” a person, the “battery” is iron phosphate — just like the iron phosphate you find in multivitamins.

So that’s why my wife is stocking up on them. I just thought that she was a health buff. (You wish. — RJ’s wife) The plant ingredient is reed canary grass or the flowering portion of the taheebo. Finally, the animal ingredient is the kuko (nails) of the dove.

Hmm, all the ingredients seem reasonably accessible. Now all we have to do is find out is where doves like to cut their nails.

What does the kuko of the dove do? This serves as an irritant for the genitals of the target.

I see. Well, the only thing from a dove that’s coming near my genitals is a bar of soap.

The purpose of the taheebo is to get you more excitable. However, the taheebo might only excite the brain or increase the adrenaline. To make sure the gayuma makes the target more libidinous we use the animal ingredient. But to make sure the target feels libidinous towards you, you have to add some of your bodily fluids to the formulation.

I never realized my bodily fluids could be so attractive. But must all gayumas put the target of your affection in such a state of arousal that it will earn the ire of the Catholic Church and the Bureau of Food and Drug Administration? Is there a way to make gayumas less libidinous? You know, like PG-13 gayumas?

If you just want to entice instead of arouse, remove the animal portion of the gayuma.

That’s good to hear. Many innocent dove toenails will be spared.

And remove the human contribution to the gayuma as well.

I’m not sure though if the humans will be happy to take back their contributions.

* * *

Love Spell #1: A Brief Interlude

Step 1: Buy five pieces of rock candy with pink plastic wrapping. Place them inside your briefs — yes, you heard me right. Let them stay there for the next five hours.

Step 2: After the prescribed time, place a passport photo of your beloved on a white saucer inside your bedroom and shower it with the pieces of rock candy, still unwrapped.

Step 3: You may keep this portable magickal altar in your bedroom as is or eventually give the candy to your beloved.

RJ: Is there a particular reason why you need to ferment the candy in your underwear? Not under your armpit? Or in any other body part not usually visited by sunlight?

SPELLCASTER: The rock candy infuses your genital area with sweetness, fragrance and attractiveness.

I didn’t realize that the genital area had to be aesthetically pleasing when it came to love. But how exactly does fermenting rock candy in that region make a woman attracted to you? Is that area mildly hallucinogenic?

It subconsciously transforms your thoughts, behavior, and words to sweetness.

Until she finds out where the rock candy came from and regurgitates your sweetness all over your face. And before their life support systems give out on them, I present to all the Dirty Old Men (DOMs) out there the spell to end all dry spells.

* * *

Love Spell #2: Rice to the Occasion

Step 1: Wash your underwear.

Step 2: Set aside a bowl of clean, mineral water for a final rinse.

Step 3: Using a dropper, mix five drops of this solution while cooking the rice or viand that you intend to cook and serve to the woman you would like to fall in love with you.

Step 4: You may also mix five drops of this solution to her drink.

You had me at wash your underwear. But why use the water from your final rinse when the underwear is almost clean? Don’t you have to use the water from your first rinse to assure the solution’s (ahem) potency? After all, you’ve already asked the spell casters to give a woman a rock candy they fermented in their briefs.

You have to draw the water after the last wash since rinse water, being the final lave, is tasteless. Otherwise the water will taste like your…

Ohhh-kay, next question. What is the secret power of freshly laundered underwear that will make the woman fall in love with you? Aside from proving to her that you have the potential to be domesticated?

The power of your underwear contains all the excess energy exuded by your sex chakra. It is a fabric reservoir.

I’m glad my reservoir is XXXL.

Fly into my pants

Doc, since we have sworn away from rhino horns as aphrodisiacs, especially because we are unsure as to what orifice it would fit into, I would like to know your take on “traditional” aphrodisiacs. Let’s start with alcohol — and I’m not talking about the rubbing kind, Doc.

DOCTOR DOCTORAN: Certain alcoholic drinks in mild amounts can have an aphrodisiac effect. But if you take anything more than a glass of wine, then it becomes a depressant. If you’re in the right mood and you take wine in small amounts, then it can dilate the blood vessels which is very good for the heart and very good for the penis.

I am very good with any substance that makes both those organs very happy at the same time. Now how about Spanish fly?

Spanish fly or cantharides has been here for centuries.

They probably came along with the first boatload of conyos.

During the time of royalty, they used to take it because — from experience — many of them thought that it would enhance their sexual desire. King Henry and some of the French royalty popularized the use of Spanish fly.

And look where it got the French royalty.

Spanish fly is a bug most probably found in Spain that has a luminescent, green, bitter substance. When animals take Spanish fly, it makes them go after the mate. However, the reason they go after their mate is because Spanish fly irritates the urethra, the urinary tract and the penis. So it’s more of a poison.

There must be easier ways to irritate the penis that don’t require performing flamenco in your urinary tract. Maybe if you speak to the penis in a derogatory manner?

The reason that you want to have sex when you take Spanish fly is because you want to get rid of the irritation from the urinary passage. But it is not being used any more.

So what happens if human beings take Spanish fly?

If you take too much of it, you can die.

Thank God the fly I took spoke Portuguese. For the daredevils among us, just how much is too much?

If the Spanish fly was a pill, and you take five times more than that, then that is an overdose.

So remember DOMs, four and a half is good enough for you. You are already perilously close enough to death as it is.

How about Korean bugs?

It is almost the same principle as the Spanish fly. The Korean bug contains a certain drug that is squeezed out of it that supposedly stimulates you.

I suppose all that squeezing might make you horny.

The drug that is squeezed out of the bug increases the sensitivity and inflammation of the urinary tract. Because your urinary tract is irritated, you want to relieve yourself by indulging in sex.

The horror. So Korean bug doesn’t really make you horny?

No, no. It just irritates you.

So it has the same effect as watching Gangnam Style performed several million times. How about oysters?

For oysters, it is more of their form, shape, taste and feel. As I told you in the first part of the interview, aphrodisiacs are not only in the food, but also in something that can stimulate all your five senses. When you’re feeling the soft, tender and juicy nature of the oysters, it may give an imprint in your mind that you are tasting and feeling something that resembles a sexual organ. That is how it came about.

I know that this is not an aphrodisiac but it can be used a sequel to an aphrodisiac (or so I am told). How did the medical world come across God’s gift to stroke survivors, comedians and ex-presidents worldwide: Viagra?

Viagra was supposed to dilate certain blood vessels in the heart and improve circulation. But the medicine didn’t have too much of a good effect on the heart. Despite that, the male patients in the clinical trials never returned the tablets, so the researchers were curious as to why this was so. Upon further inquiry, they discovered that Viagra caused a very good erection on this particular set of men with erectile dysfunction.

So now we know what is the best way to a man’s heart.

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